Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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