Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
