Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
