btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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