i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Are we still banned from the library?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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