The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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