I can tuck mytits in my pants
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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