she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
