fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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