he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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