sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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