Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize