Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
