is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
