if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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