My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I just googled if crying burns calories
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
