The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
