her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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