I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
