im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
