Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
