I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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