I got chris browned last night
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
