Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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