You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
