I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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