I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
