Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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