I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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