I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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