Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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