he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
