why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
