Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
