He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
