i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
