she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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