so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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