matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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