and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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