four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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