Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
