So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
