I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize