Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
