walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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