Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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