if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
