imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
