Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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