We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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