I can text with my tongue
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
