Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
