I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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