She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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