I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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