I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
