We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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