I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
