i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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